The Main Bowl

Let’s not save the best for last—I don’t know when the last will be. Best is first: Honey Bunches of Oats™.

Honey Bunches of Oats (HBO) the first cereal I can remember eating. Granted, there is a picture of me eating Cheerios when I was two, but I don’t remember that. Eating cheerios with my hands, wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle™ party hat and a pink onesie. I rocked age two. But my teeth wouldn’t have been all grown in and ready for oats, so Honey Bunches came later when my memory grew in, too.

For whatever reason, we got the Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds^TM. I’m less of a fan of that variety. The almonds taste kind of fake and covers up too much of the honey deliciousness. The original, though—perfection. There is a smoothness of caramel without the same excessive sweetness. And crunchies! Even when you get to the bottom of the bowl and some of the flakes get a bit soggy, the oats are still crisp and delicious. ❤  

I’m already salivating; it’s a Pavlovian response at this point. HBO is a reminder of simpler, easier times when I could enjoy a bowl of cereal without worrying about bills, dieting, calories, or chores.

There is also a good balance in all the adult concerns here. Okay, Honey Bunches of Oats has the brand-name price tag, yes, but as far as I’m concerned: worth it! The carb-shaming heretics out there may also not appreciate the grains and flour and oats and other carb-heavy ingredients. This blog isn’t for you. Shoo!

As far as other factors like serving size, calories, sugar content, taste, and vitamins and minerals, Honey Bunches of Oats isn’t that bad. I wouldn’t venture so far as to say “good for you” (even though there are totally nutritional goodies involved), but “not that bad” seems to be a fair assessment.

Serving size: The serving size for HBO (yeah, I switched to the abbreviation; no, not the network, so keep it straight; it’s a lot to spell out each time) is a whole cup! There is none of that sneaky half-cup nonsense that the dessert cereals try to trick you with.

You Sit On A Throne Of LIES – Elf GIF from Willferrell GIFs

Nah, we’re talking a reasonable bowl portion of food that won’t leave you hungry and sad after the, what, three bits you get from the measly portions of some serving sizes. I always want more than a cup, but I could actually be satisfied, if not happy, with a cup of HBO. This is also important in reading the rest of the nutritional information.

Calories: A whole cup is only 160 calories. Okay, I admit, that is without milk, and, besides Cheerios, who eats cereal without milk or whatever preferred milk knock-off you choose? Fine, they don’t know what or how much milk you are going to use, and I don’t feel I can fault them for lack of clairvoyance. Still. If you spend time wandering the cereal aisle—I’m not weird; you’re weird :P—and check out some of the labels on all the exhausting cornucopia of choices, you see some outrageous calorie quantities—like 230 calories for half a cup for some of these sugary, though de-li-cious, boxes of a heart-attack-waiting-to-happen. But 160 calories, I mean, you are eating cereal: you are eating food; you are eating carbs; only water comes with zero calories. I eat protein bars with more calories. I’ll happily take this. This is reasonable as far as me and my diet are concerned.

Sugar Content: The ironically bitter question I’m sure is on your mind. HBO lists 9 grams of sugar (I mean the first word in the title is “Honey”) with any variety of sugars listed as the third ingredient. There are some good guidelines for how you can read nutritional labels for where on a scale food might range from super, this-will-kill-you unhealthy to whether-or-not-you-can-run-a-marathon-you-feel-like-you-can healthy. Ideally, the first two ingredients shouldn’t be sugar or other unhealthy crap, since those are the most important and highest quantity ingredients; the first three ingredients give you the best picture. With sugar as the third ingredient, it isn’t great for you. There are other healthy things packed in there too, and at least sugar isn’t in the top two slots. I think the balance for amazingly tasty and some sugar to achieve it is a fair trade-off. I’m not eating HBO every morning, either, which is also a necessary choice given the sugar.

Still, I don’t feel that guilty if I’ve had an otherwise healthy day and need a comforting bowl of childhood dreams and soul-lightening confections. Note, I eat cereal for breakfast and whenever else I damn well feel like it. It’s less healthy but even more delicious at 11 o’clock at night. Trust me. A good way to end a long day.

Taste: In terms of the reality-bending goodness that is the taste of HBO, I could go on and on. And on. And on. But I won’t. I already said it when I started this blog, both in this particular article and the whole thing itself. HBO is my numero uno; the subject of my serial cereal killing; and on some days, my late-night-snack reason for being.

Political correctness crap: everyone’s taste buds are different; taste is subjective; blah blah blah.

It tastes good. I said so. Moving on.

Other Good Stuff: You can read the ingredients list yourself, but in summary, there are also a lot of vitamins and minerals in HBO. You got Vitamins A, B, D; iron; fiber; other science-y terms you may or may not know; etc. It isn’t just cardboard with honey drizzled on top. There are actual nutritional things in it that are good for you. Yeah, a glass of blended kale might get you more, but it’s also more depressing. Bowl of cereal = bowl of sunshine, rainbows, and kittens (don’t take me literally here, please — don’t go there).

If you do go there, this better be where you go:

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Like Brands

Remember that brand-name price tag I mentioned? I have tried other store-brand versions that use whatever name and image to make you think you are getting the same thing as HBO. In most cases: YOU AREN’T!

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Most of the name brands just taste ‘meh’ compared to HBO. The texture seems a little stale for some, the taste too similar to cardboard, or the balance of flavors like cinnamon or honey are too far off the mark. I haven’t tried every brand-name version, but I’ve hit some big ones: Giant, Safeway, Harris Teeter. The only brand that has been acceptable has been Target’s “Market Pantry,” or whatever they’re on now. The taste isn’t exact, but it is very close. In the box I’ve tried so far, the oat clusters aren’t as impressive; they are really kind of dinky. All in all, though, it was (at the time I bought it) $2.40 instead of nearly $5. That is definitely a worthy alternative if cost is one of your factors. Plus, on the nutritional label, it is 10 calories less per the same serving size and even a couple grams of sugar lower (at 7 grams per serving). I guess keeping the oats in clusters might be one source of sugar. The Market Pantry version doesn’t match all of the same vitamins and minerals, but there are only so many things in this world you can care about. If the trade-off is worth it for you, the taste and nutritional value are a close competitor for something a little cheaper.

I also tried a Trader Joe’s cereal that looks somewhat similar. Trader Joe’s basically has a cult following, and they don’t have brand names for sale. So, it seemed like an interesting experiment to try out something similar from their shelves. My bestie gave me the recommendation: Maple Pecan Clusters cereal. The taste is pretty frickin’ scrumptious. It kind of tastes like pie—pecans just taste like the pie at this point; there is no distinction between the flavors. Pecan—pecan pie—same. The makers are psychological masterminds.

On the other hand, it still doesn’t stack up to HBO for me. The texture is a little too crunchy. The nuts and clusters are too big to get a solid balance in one bite. And I can take a big bite. Also, sugar is up to 11 grams and the second ingredient, calories are 230, and the serving size is only ¾ cup. This is dessert. So yeah, pie.

Final Rating

As my all-time favorite, HBO still wins out at a full 5 spoons.

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